Since I posted last I've had much more revelation on the subject I am about to lay out. I have already described these dreams in my previous post, but they have spoken to me so profoundly, I would like to review them.
I had a dream that I was treading into the ocean, cautiously and respectfully fearful of this great vast unknown body of water. Joshua was in my arms as continued deeper up to my chest. I glanced back over my shoulder at my husband who was following close with Henry in his arms. Two little girls with long blond hair also accompanied us on our mission. And it was clear that we were in charge of them.
I told Matt about my dream and asked him if he had had any dreams as of late. He said he had and he proceeded to explain his dream in detail. He could fly in his dream. He could see the vast blue sky out in front of him and he was ready to climb to the heights but something was over his head, keeping him from moving into the spacious skies. Interestingly enough, he carried Joshua in his arms.
In both of these dreams, we see the element of discipleship, carrying someone else along on this journey we are in on this earth. God is calling us to deeper levels with Him, drawing us to new heights, and revealing His great glory. Both dreams are held in a setting of God's great creation, so vast, you could never fully explore the depth and breadth-not in this life time anyway. I am in awe of the depths of God. Even after I've given my entire life and even spend eternity exploring Him, I will never reach the end of this Great God. The way He asks us to go, may be scary at times, but He calls us deeper. And even if we don't have all the answers and know all there is to know, we are called to bring others with us on the journey. God equips the called.
So as I have been pondering these dreams over the past week I have also been struggling with a deeply rooted issue that has plagued me a good part of my life: fear. Fear of man, fear of offending someone else, fear of what God will do and what He won't do, fear of how an enemy will attack me, fear of being rejected and fear of not belonging, fear of getting too close and letting people in. Fear in general. This fear is clearly misplaced because if I am a Christian and have accepted Christ as my savior, then I should no longer be walking by fear, but by faith. I know the truth of the gospel. I know:
In regard to fear in general:
Neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38, 39 NASB)
In regard to fear of offending:
In reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth. Therefore, laying aside falsehood, SPEAK TRUTH EACH ONE of you WITH HIS NEIGHBOR, for we are members of one another. (Ephesians 4:22-25 NASB)
In regard to fear of what God will do and what He won't:
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. (Psalm 23:2-4, 6 NASB)
AND:
You open Your hand
And satisfy the desire of every living thing. The LORD is righteous in all His ways
And kind in all His deeds. The LORD is near to all who call upon Him,
To all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;
He will also hear their cry and will save them. The LORD keeps all who love Him,
But all the wicked He will destroy. (Psalm 145:16-20 NASB)
In regard to fear of the enemy:
"No weapon that is formed against you will prosper;
And every tongue that accuses you in judgment you will condemn.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
And their vindication is from Me," declares the LORD. (Isaiah 54:17 NASB)
In regard to fear of letting others in:
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near. (Hebrews 10:23-25 NASB)
I've narrowed down my recent difficulties to a lack of strength. I know the truth of God's word, but for some reason lie continually win out in my mind. I have asked the Lord to help me to take these thoughts captive, but I have been unsuccessful in my efforts.
My friend Autumn and I have been rising early in the morning and meeting at the gym to work out. Every now and then we run on the treadmill. Autumn runs almost the entire time and I usually start out running and end walking. Essentially, I give up and don't continue running because I lack a mental strength to finish strong. Autumn and I had a conversation about this last week as I was sharing my struggle against our enemy. I think it comes down to a strength of mind. Ironically, in the same conversation, she asked me to run a half marathon with her. I declined in the moment, but since then, have reconsidered. (More on that later).
The following day, I met with my long time friend, Sheila. It has been about eight years since we've seen or talked to one another and we certainly had a lot to catch up on. She has decided to pursue a career in Anesthesiology. Wow! Not only that but she shared some very personal struggles with me, that have truly shaped who she is a person and certainly deepened her faith in Christ. Amazingly, our conversation turned to strength of mind and the strength that God has bestowed on her in a time of great difficulty.
A couple nights before, I had another significant dream. In the dream, Matt had passed away. My mom and I stood on an embankment and we looked down over a staircase where many people and demons were traveling up and down. All of the sudden, there was some sort of explosion and a violent fight broke out. I turned to run and find cover, but my mom stood still and screamed with the most ear piercing scream, "STOP!" over the chaos. Immediately, there was silence and all the attention was on her. Suddenly, the masses charged her in attack. There was an onslaught of open fire in her direction-flaming arrows, sharpened pencils, and fire balls. (I found out in a subsequent dream that the pencils symbolized words.) None of it even touched her or affected her. She stood still and calmly watched as this violent crew rushed toward her. I was amazed at her calm strength but that didn't help me. I scrambled to find a place to hide from this charade. The ring leader of this group who was clearly some sort of demon jumped up in her face to try and intimidate her. He did not succeed. She did not so much as flinch in the face of such danger and ugliness. Then he proceeded to taunt her and try to coerce her to lie for him. He told her that she had to lie for him-that she had to say that he did one thing that he clearly hadn't. She simply LAUGHED IN HIS FACE and answered unequivocally NO. He immediately gave up on her and turned to me. He began to torment me then, telling me I had to lie for him. I answered in a shaky and uncertain voice, "Oh, I...I...I can't, I didn't see it happen. I'm n...n...not sure I can lie about it, if I didn't see it." My answer was so wishy-washy. I was obviously afraid and left a lot of room for him to continue with his tormenting. That was the end of the dream, but one impression I was clear on is that my Mom's name meant something in the dream. I looked it up later and Christina means "Christian, follower of Christ" and Mildred means "QUIET STRENGTH". Another interesting theme in this dream is that I was with my Mom. Again, discipleship is evident as it was in my previous dream and Matt's as well.
As I pondered all that had happened over the course of the previous days (half of which I haven't even touched on), I was overwhelmed at how much God had spoken to me about strength. I began to pray and ask God for strength. I did so Sunday morning before church, but oh how I felt so incredibly weak. I searched the scriptures for encouragement. I landed on my answer from the Lord:
O LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble;
You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear (Psalm 10:17 NASB)
You answered me, "Yes, I will give you strength."
It has occurred to me that often times strength is something that happens over time and with work. When you train your body, you bring against your muscles, resistance and strain and over time, your muscles stand up to the test and get stronger. I believe that I need to take every thought captive:
For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, (2 Corinthians 10:3-5 NASB)
I believe that as I renew my mind, I will be transformed and I will gain a strength of mind that I have lacked in prior days. I will not be subject to the same devices of the past, because I will resist the enemy and he will flee. God is answering my prayer. I see it already and I believe in faith that He is doing what he promised.
For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6 NASB)
He will finish what He started.
So in light of my recent revelation, I have decided to run this half marathon with Autumn, as a physical representation of what God is doing in my spirit. As I train, I will come up against hurdles, that in the past, I would not have fought to climb. Each time I cross one, I will gain a new strength of mind and as I fight for this new level of strength, I know that God is being faithful to give me that strength.
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13 NASB)
