Get it together Kim. Seriously.

Dear hormonal Kim,

I am writing you this letter fresh off the week where emotions run the highest for you.  It was an absolutely horrible week and what you deemed one of the worst.  However, I am here to tell you that it really wasn’t that bad.  Remember when you spent every day in the hospital ICU?  Yeah, that was bad.  This week, what you thought was the end of the world truly only added up to a few fits and a huge pity party for yourself.  Since you won’t listen to anyone else (including your husband who knows you and loves you more than anyone else)  I’m hoping that I can talk some sense into you.  You have to find a way to get through these hormone surges in a more productive way.  Stop throwing a pity party.  Stop crying your eyes out at the drop of a hat and stop blaming yourself for everyone else’s problems.  You are a good mom.  You are a good wife.  And you are doing the best you can.  If you can just make it over this hump, I promise you that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Come next week, you will be flying high again.  Worship the Lord.  Seek Him and stop feeling sorry for yourself.  Henry’s going to turn out great in spite of all your issues.  God has got him and the other two wonderful kids.  

Seriously though, you have to find a better way to handle your emotions.  Don’t let the enemy lie to you and bring you down.  Stop reviewing every sin and thinking it’s too late.  Stop saying that it’s your fault.  Stop.  Just stop.  Shut your mouth.  Look up and praise the Lord.  He has done great things.  Look at your family.  Look at your kids.  They are beautiful, healthy, smart, hilarious, joyful little ones.  Enjoy them.  Lay in bed with them tonight and just listen to what they have to say.  God will draw them near to you.  All you have to do is stop running around, stop running your mouth and stop worrying.  

I urge you to not go down the path you went last month and all the months before.  There must be a way to stop this endless cycle.  Transform yourself by the renewing of your mind.  Sit in the presence of God and let Him wash over you.  Please listen to me.  You are not a victim.  You are fighting FROM a place of victory.  Jesus has already overcome the world and you will overcome this by the power of His blood.  

Hang in there for just a couple more days.  Lighten up.  Laugh.  Pray!!  

Jesus loves you!

Sincerely your back to normal self,

Kim 

Gods timing always supersedes our urgency in a matter.  As our desperation grows, our capability to dwell in his perfect peace diminishes. Am I suggesting that we ignore the obvious? That we deny the facts placed before us? No, I'm simply saying that we have a choice. Our losses, failures and shortcomings do not need to be reviewed and replayed time and time again. But instead our reality can be centered around the promises and truths in the word of God. Our past experience does not always dictate the future. God has the final say. We have to trust him and his word more than anything or anyone else.

This revelation is challenging to really get a hold of especially in the face of the trial.  But somehow when our backs are against the wall, when we have exhausted all of our options, tried our back up plan...when we are hard pressed on every side, out of ideas, and down to the 11th hour... It's then we finally turn to the one who's had the master plan all along. It seems this is our Lord's favorite time to step in and reveal His hand and his glory!


He is the creator of the universe, who knows the stars by name, numbers the hairs on our heads and cares for even the birds of the air. He has not overlooked our plight or forgotten to handle our situation...As if he's limited in his capabilities, his resources, and his time. His word clearly says that he can do more than we could ever ask, think or imagine. Could we simply trust in the unseen, believe in the power of God, and walk in the favor he has given us? He is good. Every good and perfect gift comes from him. And he is for us not against us.






Trust in the LORD and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light And your judgment as the noonday.

Cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing. For evildoers will be cut off, But those who wait for the LORD, they will inherit the land.

But the humble will inherit the land And will delight themselves in abundant prosperity. (Psalms 37:3-6, 8, 9, 11 NASB)

In our culture, where it is considered "weak" to ask for or accept help, how does one practice the art of acceptance and the JOY of receiving grace?  Today there is an emphasis on "having it together" and being perfect.  What happens when someone makes a mistake?  What happens when we ourselves make mistakes?  What about when the circumstances of life are simply too much? More often than not, the relationship is disposed of and we move on to the next relationship where we expect perfection.  In this day in age, how do we learn to bear together in love?  How do we forgive when someone wrongs us?  How do we forgive when we ourselves are not willing to forgive even ourselves?  I'm not saying that we need to lower our expectations of others to the gutter.  No, I'm simply saying that when we do 'mess up' we give one another the benefit of the doubt.  We extend the same mercy we would like to receive ourselves and we practice forgiving one another as our Father in heaven has forgiven us.  I believe that only after we have mastered this can we truly fathom how to RECEIVE forgiveness and we can begin to understand the great forgiveness and amazing grace the Father has bestowed upon us.  

God has designed a beautiful creation of balance-a delicate and necessary give and take.  You see it in nature, you see it in relationships; believe it or not you even see it in worship.  God made us to be dependent.  He made us to need one another.  We cannot make it on our own.    

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Gal 6:2

For as in one body we have many parts, and all the parts do not have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ* and individually parts of one another.  Romans 12:4

Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. 1 Corin 12:27

So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Colossians 3:12, 13

This beautiful concept of balance applies also to ministry.  I find that serving is much easier than being served.  And ministering to someone else many times 'feels' more satisfying than being ministered to.  Have you ever been through a season in your life when you are too weak to minister to others or you are buried in circumstances and you NEED ministry... you need help?  I have experienced this many times and I remember thinking, 'I'm always the bird with the broken wing.  People must think I'm weak and too messed up.  They must think I'm not a real Christian.  Otherwise, why would I keep needing so much help?'  If you have had these thoughts or anything along these lines, please allow me to point out to you that these are terrible lies of the enemy.  He is using these lies to keep you isolated, to keep you from breakthrough and keep you from the freedom that Christ died on the cross for.  We ALL have seasons such as these and some are longer than others.  It is OK!  There is purpose in these seasons.  There is refreshing.  And there is new freedom to be found.  

During these seasons, I have learned to RECEIVE.  I have learned to receive love, grace, healing, refreshing, forgiveness, revelation, purpose, direction, destiny and a deepening in my relationship with Christ and others.  It is a sweet time.  And as much as my flesh despises these times of need, my spirit yearns for them and will enjoy them, relish them even-savor them.  I will learn to love to be ministered to as much as I love to minister.  There is a need and a purpose for both.  

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart ,and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

2 Peter 1-11

I have received the type of faith that is only in Christ, not in myself.  Nothing I can ever do will prove me righteous or put me in right standing before our perfect, holy God.  ALL I can do is believe in faith in the only One who is perfect and righteous-Jesus.  And only then can I receive righteousness by that faith. 

By His power alone, He has given me EVERYTHING, not some things but every single quality I need to have true life and godliness (not godlessness, because I am pursuing The One.)  Through my pursuit of Jesus Christ and through my heart knowledge of Him, I will receive all He has for me to live.  In the process, He will receive all glory through my life, because it is not by my works but by His very hand that anything I do or say is pleasing to Him.  I will not boast in anything but Jesus Christ.   The great invitation is to come to Him who will provide ALL that is needed. 

 

By seeking Him first and His kingdom, I have the privilege of possessing His own Son in my heart.  He belongs to me and I to Him.  My sights are set on Him and not on this fallen world. My reality is not this world. 

 My reality is Jesus and the words of life He speaks.  

For this very reason, I will seek after Him.  I will be disciplined in my pursuit to add to my faith, strong character, absolute truth, self-control, alert diligence, reverent wonder, generous love and deep friendships.

Because...as these wonderful qualities are growing in me day by day, the fruit of seeking Jesus and true heart knowledge of Him will grow in me. 

It is my choice, and if I so choose to abandon my pursuit of these awesome gifts from the Lord, I will have thrown down the very tools He gave me to grow in relationship with Him.  And I will have carelessly forgotten that God longs to purify and sanctify me for His glory-that one day He will finish the work He began in me. 

Therefore, I will be even more diligent, knowing that He wants to mature me, He wants me to practice and mature these great gifts that I will never stumble and fall away from the truth of Jesus Christ.  Because in the very same way, the Kingdom of God will be given to me as I pursue it, He gives it to a greater measure.  Seek first the Kingdom. 

2 Peter 1:1-11

His Grace

It is the act of an overcomer and a victor to receive the grace of God.  Before I knew Him, I could not receive such a thing.  It is His will for my life and my own sweet privilege to receive His grace.  I would not be who I am without it!  I will never be the same because of it.  His grace is what allows me to forgive others and forgive myself.  His grace is what helps me to learn from my mistakes no matter how frequent they are.  His grace is the reason I can go on.  Because of His grace, I have hope for my future.  Because of His grace, I can enjoy deeper friendships.  It's all because of His grace.

Living Stones

I sat in a meeting today with the other two leaders of the worship team, Brian and Lolly.  What a wonderful and productive time we had-three hours of solid discussion about our worship team and our fellowship.  Oh how I enjoy being in the presence of these two authentic followers of Christ.  

At the end of our conversation, I felt compelled to share an ongoing inner struggle and ask for prayer. In a fog of embarrassment and frustration, I stumbled over my words to describe the issue to my friends.    (It is so tough to admit weakness and be totally vulnerable-especially when in the presence of people who seem to never have any struggles of the sort.)  Well let me have another go at making this problem plain...

I feel as though: I am unproductive as a leader. That people begrudgingly follow me.  That I am not cut out for this and that it was a mistake that I was asked to lead.  That all my ideas and my leadership attempts fall through.  

As I was relating all of these feelings to my friends, my kids were sitting on my lap playing with my IPad.  Interestingly, they pulled up the camera app and had it focused on my face.   Instead of the typical view, they had it open to the extra options view so that my face appeared distorted and unnatural.  

I had just asked my friends if I would always deal with this issue or if one day I would finally be done with it.  Lolly answered with a confident, "No, you will not always deal with it."  She went on to say that I am being transformed into the image of Christ and so one day, I will have a right view of Him and of myself.  

In that moment, the Holy Spirit showed me that just as I was staring at this distorted view of my face on that screen, that is how I was seeing myself-distorted.  Only when I get my eyes off of myself and onto Him-only then will I be transformed and only then will I truly know who I am in Christ.  

For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son. Romans 8:29a Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.  1 Corin 13:12

Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be. We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is. 1 John 3:2

As many times as I have had this feeling rise up in me, I have seen my fellow believers rise up to encourage me and pray for me.  Thank you, Lord, that you are consecrating and purifying each one.  You are building us up together as living stones with you as the Chief Cornerstone. 

1 Peter 2:4-6

Coming to Him as to a living stone, rejected indeed by men, but chosen by God and precious, ⁵ you also, as living stones, are being built up a spiritual house, a holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. ⁶ Therefore it is also contained in the Scripture,

“Behold, I lay in Zion

A chief cornerstone, elect, precious,
And he who believes on Him will by no means be put to shame.”

Strength...Yes Please!

Since I posted last I've had much more revelation on the subject I am about to lay out.  I have already described these dreams in my previous post, but they have spoken to me so profoundly, I would like to review them. 

 I had a dream that I was treading into the ocean, cautiously and respectfully fearful of this great vast unknown body of water.  Joshua was in my arms as continued deeper up to my chest.  I glanced back over my shoulder at my husband who was following close with Henry in his arms.  Two little girls with long blond hair also accompanied us on our mission.  And it was clear that we were in charge of them.

I told Matt about my dream and asked him if he had had any dreams as of late.  He said he had and he proceeded to explain his dream in detail.  He could fly in his dream.  He could see the vast blue sky out in front of him and he was ready to climb to the heights but something was over his head, keeping him from moving into the spacious skies.  Interestingly enough, he carried Joshua in his arms.  

In both of these dreams, we see the element of discipleship, carrying someone else along on this journey we are in on this earth.  God is calling us to deeper levels with Him, drawing us to new heights, and revealing His great glory.  Both dreams are held in a setting of God's great creation, so vast, you could never fully explore the depth and breadth-not in this life time anyway.  I am in awe of the depths of God.  Even after I've given my entire life and even spend eternity exploring Him, I will never reach the end of this Great God.  The way He asks us to go, may be scary at times, but He calls us deeper.  And even if we don't have all the answers and know all there is to know, we are called to bring others with us on the journey.  God equips the called.

So as I have been pondering these dreams over the past week I have also been struggling with a deeply rooted issue that has plagued me a good part of my life: fear.  Fear of man, fear of offending someone else, fear of what God will do and what He won't do, fear of how an enemy will attack me, fear of being rejected and fear of not belonging, fear of getting too close and letting people in.  Fear in general.  This fear is clearly misplaced because if I am a Christian and have accepted Christ as my savior, then I should no longer be walking by fear, but by faith.  I know the truth of the gospel.  I know:

In regard to fear in general: Neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38, 39 NASB)

In regard to fear of offending: In reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in  the likeness of  God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth. Therefore, laying aside falsehood, SPEAK TRUTH EACH ONE  of you  WITH HIS NEIGHBOR, for we are members of one another. (Ephesians 4:22-25 NASB)

In regard to fear of what God will do and what He won't: He makes me lie down in green pastures;  He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul;  He guides me in the paths of righteousness  For His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,  I fear no evil, for You are with me;  Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,  And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. (Psalm 23:2-4, 6 NASB)

AND:

You open Your hand  And satisfy the desire of every living thing. The LORD is righteous in all His ways  And kind in all His deeds. The LORD is near to all who call upon Him,  To all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;  He will also hear their cry and will save them. The LORD keeps all who love Him,  But all the wicked He will destroy. (Psalm 145:16-20 NASB)

In regard to fear of the enemy: "No weapon that is formed against you will prosper;  And every tongue that accuses you in judgment you will condemn.  This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,  And their vindication is from Me," declares the LORD. (Isaiah 54:17 NASB)

In regard to fear of letting others in: Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging  one another;  and all the more as you see the day drawing near. (Hebrews 10:23-25 NASB)

I've narrowed down my recent difficulties to a lack of strength.  I know the truth of God's word, but for some reason lie continually win out in my mind.  I have asked the Lord to help me to take these thoughts captive, but I have been unsuccessful in my efforts.  

My friend Autumn and I have been rising early in the morning and meeting at the gym to work out.  Every now and then we run on the treadmill.  Autumn runs almost the entire time and I usually start out running and end walking.  Essentially, I give up and don't continue running because I lack a mental strength to finish strong.  Autumn and I had a conversation about this last week as I was sharing my struggle against our enemy.  I think it comes down to a strength of mind.  Ironically, in the same conversation, she asked me to run a half marathon with her.  I declined in the moment, but since then, have reconsidered. (More on that later). 

The following day, I met with my long time friend, Sheila.  It has been about eight years since we've seen or talked to one another and we certainly had a lot to catch up on.  She has decided to pursue a career in Anesthesiology.  Wow!  Not only that but she shared some very personal struggles with me, that have truly shaped who she is a person and certainly deepened her faith in Christ.  Amazingly, our conversation turned to strength of mind and the strength that God has bestowed on her in a time of great difficulty.  

A couple nights before, I had another significant dream.  In the dream, Matt had passed away.  My mom and I stood on an embankment and we looked down over a staircase where many people and demons were traveling up and down.  All of the sudden, there was some sort of explosion and a violent fight broke out.  I turned to run and find cover, but my mom stood still and screamed with the most ear piercing scream, "STOP!" over the chaos.  Immediately, there was silence and all the attention was on her.  Suddenly, the masses charged her in attack.  There was an onslaught of open fire in her direction-flaming arrows, sharpened pencils, and fire balls.  (I found out in a subsequent dream that the pencils symbolized words.)  None of it even touched her or affected her.  She stood still and calmly watched as this violent crew rushed toward her.  I was amazed at her calm strength but that didn't help me.  I scrambled to find a place to hide from this charade.  The ring leader of this group who was clearly some sort of demon jumped up in her face to try and intimidate her.  He did not succeed.  She did not so much as flinch in the face of such danger and ugliness.  Then he proceeded to taunt her and try to coerce her to lie for him.  He told her that she had to lie for him-that she had to say that he did one thing that he clearly hadn't.  She simply LAUGHED IN HIS FACE and answered unequivocally NO. He immediately gave up on her and turned to me.  He began to torment me then, telling me I had to lie for him.  I answered in a shaky and uncertain voice, "Oh, I...I...I can't, I didn't see it happen.  I'm n...n...not sure I can lie about it, if I didn't see it."  My answer was so wishy-washy.  I was obviously afraid and left a lot of room for him to continue with his tormenting.     That was the end of the dream, but one impression I was clear on is that my Mom's name meant something in the dream.  I looked it up later and Christina means "Christian, follower of Christ" and Mildred means "QUIET STRENGTH".  Another interesting theme in this dream is that I was with my Mom.  Again, discipleship is evident as it was in my previous dream and Matt's as well.  



As I pondered all that had happened over the course of the previous days (half of which I haven't even touched on), I was overwhelmed at how much God had spoken to me about strength.  I began to pray and ask God for strength.  I did so Sunday morning before church, but oh how I felt so incredibly weak.  I searched the scriptures for encouragement.  I landed on my answer from the Lord:

 O LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble;  You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear (Psalm 10:17 NASB)

You answered me, "Yes, I will give you strength."

It has occurred to me that often times strength is something that happens over time and with work.  When you train your body, you bring against your muscles, resistance and strain and over time, your muscles stand up to the test and get stronger.  I believe that I need to take every thought captive:

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses.  We are  destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and  we are  taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, (2 Corinthians 10:3-5 NASB)

I believe that as I renew my mind, I will be transformed and I will gain a strength of mind that I have lacked in prior days.  I will not be subject to the same devices of the past, because I will resist the enemy and he will flee.  God is answering my prayer.  I see it already and I believe in faith that He is doing what he promised.  

For I am  confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6 NASB)

He will finish what He started.  

So in light of my recent revelation, I have decided to run this half marathon with Autumn, as a physical representation of what God is doing in my spirit.  As I train, I will come up against hurdles, that in the past, I would not have fought to climb.  Each time I cross one, I will gain a new strength of mind and as I fight for this new level of strength, I know that God is being faithful to give me that strength.  

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13 NASB)